Is Looking for a Soulmate a Waste of Time?

Unlike most people, I’ve never believed in the concept of soulmates. On the one hand, this has to do with the fact that I have repeatedly met people who have enriched me in one way or another. On the other hand, I am increasingly skeptical about the idea that there is such a thing as fate in love.

In my article about romantic movie tropes, I covered the “destined to be together” trope. It is about the fact that already at the beginning of the film, it is clear that two people are destined for each other — soulmates. Their love is repeatedly tried to be prevented by external circumstances, but they always find together in the end. While this portrayal of soul mates and pure love also knows how to stir my heart, I have never encountered such a story in real life and in my surroundings.

Perhaps it is worth taking a closer look at the concept of soulmates. Perhaps the idea that there is someone out there who is meant for us is more harmful than actually useful.

The origins of the soulmate concept

Historically speaking, up to the romantic era, people did not get married for such a mundane thing as “romantic love.” Marriage was a way to secure status, influence, money and was seen as mostly transactional. Marriage is a very old institution that predates written history. For centuries marriage was viewed as a strategic partnership between families, with the children frequently having little say in the matter.

A great example of this is my favorite woman in Renaissance Italy, Caterina Sforza. She was only thirteen when she was married off for political reasons — she later rose to fame as a brilliant military and political strategist. She married several times and made sure that she’d always secure her power while gaining influence at the same time. This view on marriage started to shift during the era of Enlightenment, a time in which philosophers, politicians, and later ordinary people started to make sense of themselves, the world, and how countries and political systems should work. Themes such as personal freedom, the rights of every person, and individuality started to surface. This culminated in the Age of Romanticism when individual emotions started to matter — remember, that had never been the case before.

The Romantic era originated in Europe towards the end of the 18th century, emphasizing emotions and individualism and glorification of all the past and nature. At the very least, romantic love prevented marriages from becoming entirely transactional, allowing us to marry someone with a good emotional and physical match. However, romanticism has several drawbacks. We now want our partner to be a member of our financial team, a co-parent, a household manager, and greatest friend.

Relationship satisfaction, laziness, and other downsides to the myth

I see two major problems that arise here. For one, we project all our desires and wishes onto one person. Therefore, we might settle for someone who has “just enough” of the qualities we wish for. Or, we might refuse to enter into a relationship, hoping there’s someone even better right around the corner.

By constantly looking for someone who can fulfill everything to a tee, we might lose sight of what we really appreciate in a partner. In other words: I believe that we are prone to expecting too much from our partner. Furthermore, this belief also puts pressure on the relationship itself and our feeling about how the relationship is going. Consequently, if we believe that our person is our soulmate, we are even less willing to end the relationship. However, secretly we know it would be better to leave.

Lastly, I think the soulmate concept makes us lazy at working on our relationship. Because one person is supposed to cover all our needs, we automatically assume that it is the same person who understands us — without words, of course.

I have a less romantic approach when it comes to love. I believe that we’re ready for love when we are at peace with ourselves. Also, relationships take a lot of work and dedication. My boyfriend once made a wonderful analogy about flourishing relationships. He said that a relationship is like building a bridge. Two people on each bank build a bridge, reach out to each other, communicate, and have the determination to bridge whatever might try to divide them. Being in a romantic relationship is, therefore, like constant bridge-building since life happens. Maybe a flood comes and washes it all away, but being committed to the relationship means willing to keep building and improving the bridge.

I have never heard a more beautiful confession of love than what followed his analogy: I don’t want to do this relationship work with anyone else but you.

I don’t want a soulmate. I want him.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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