‘Begging’ Should Never Be a Part of Your Relationship

One afternoon I was going back home from work when I noticed a beggar. His appearance was pitiable. Clothes were obviously unwashed and so was he. I wanted to frown but when I thought about his living conditions, that frown turned into sympathy and heartache.

‘’What a terrible thing it is to be a beggar. You are at the mercy of others. There’s no security. No hope. No love. Nothing. Just a nameless identity roaming around the streets with nothing to look forward to.’’

This feeling created doom inside my heart.

The signal turned red and our side of vehicles stopped. As expected, this man started tapping one car window after the other. And I could see people ignoring him or rudely turning down his request for pennies. He looked unperturbed by the constant rejections and kept waving his aluminum bowl in front of every vehicle with a begging hand gesture.

I was secretly praying he doesn’t reach my vehicle because it pains me to see people in such conditions. Whatever the surrounding myths around them, but they are still humans. Just like you and me.

Thankfully, before he could reach my autorickshaw, our side of the signal turned green.

‘’I saw the beggar going back to his haven carved out of rags and bricks. A place he called his home.’’

The beggar was out of sight but my heart and my mind were caught behind. I couldn’t stop thinking of how sad that man’s life must have been. It got me wondering if he was already born to a beggar family or the conditions brought him into this situation. Whatever the reason, no human being should beg in their lives ever.

Even if it’s for a relationship. In fact, begging should never be a part of any relationship. And I am not talking about that playful begging lovers engage in. I am talking about the serious begging business that one partner makes the other do and enjoys it at well.

‘’Begging symbolizes the rock bottom stage in a person’s life. One cannot go below that level. At this point, the person has lost his self-esteem and self-confidence. The same goes for relationships.’’

My boyfriend knew he was the first man I was entering into a relationship with. But he had already dated hundreds of women before me, right from his schooling days. He knew girls always cherish their first relationship. He knew what are their dreams, expectations, and wishes.

Girls like me often wish their first relationship to be the last one.

There were so many feelings and experiences that I didn’t even know existed before meeting my boyfriend Saurabh (Name changed). He introduced to me a whole new world. That made him more special.

Physical intimacy with the one you love is a dream for any girl. When Saurabh came into my life, I never thought I could feel this way for anyone. That I could trust anyone to such an extent that I would allow him to come close to me in a different way. But for me, Saurabh was the one I thought I would marry.

Saurabh brought words like caressing, spooning, and cuddling into my life. I had heard these terms and just the thought of experiencing them with Saurabh filled my heart with unlimited happiness.

I started daydreaming about him and me together. Cuddling, spooning, and everything beyond that. I dreamed we would be happy together as a married couple. I dreamed our marriage will be full of love and passion.

That’s the mistake I committed; I dreamed.

My Desires Were Born

Now that I had learned new expressions of love, I looked forward to meeting him. I yearned for his touch. I yearned for his love. But he and I weren’t on the same page. In the two years, we were in a relationship, the maximum he did was hold my hands. That’s it.

He kept painting a picture as to how wonderful it would be when we both would get intimate with each other but he never did any of that.

Once the tiger has tasted blood, there’s no going back. Once I learned that love could be expressed in different ways, I couldn’t go back to just looking and admiring him. I needed more.

He knew I had developed a desire for intimacy. A strong desire. But I was shy to express myself as this was my first relationship. But the desire had been sowed in my mind and body and each day it was growing more and more.

I tried giving various hints to Saurabh that I wanted to know how cuddling felt like but he ignored those hints. He behaved like it didn’t matter to him. His ignorance was killing me inside. I was not able to understand why he is not ready to even hug me, forget anything else.

Soon the volcanoes of self-doubt started erupting.

I started comparing myself with his ex-girlfriends. I started believing that because I was not as beautiful as them, Saurabh chooses to stay away from me. Maybe he got into this relationship because he feels sad for me.

What if this relationship was one-sided? What if he never thought of me as his girlfriend? All these questions started bugging my mind.

‘’I Became a Beggar’’

One day I and Saurabh were returning back from a restaurant. We were happy that day and I just wanted to hug him. I extended my hand toward him to hug him but he shrugged him off.

I couldn’t take the rejection and started crying.

I really wanted to hug this man I loved and he was treating me like an untouchable. It was killing me. I had become so desperate that I literally begged him by using the word ‘please’ repeatedly. I begged him to let me kiss him on his cheek, to hold his hand till my heart pleased, to hug him tight and feel his warm embrace.

Seeing me crying he just allowed me a side hug.

That was not even close to what I had wished for. And I could see the look on his face. He didn’t seem that happy. I withdrew myself. But my tears didn’t stop that day. I cried when I recollected the way I begged him for just a hug. That was my right as we were together for so long.

It’s not that I had ever wanted when I first started dating him. He taught me to. He was the one who told me that hugging me would send him over the moon. That getting intimate with me was his dream.

I realized too late that he was just fooling around with me. And the problem was not with me. The problem was with him. But I didn’t want to accept it because I was in ‘’Love.’’

Lessons You Can Learn From This Story

1. If your partner’s actions are not matching his words, don’t place your trust in them.
2. In some cases, this could be the other way around. The guy may have done everything and later said that he didn’t love you. Tread forward carefully.
3. Set your limits. Yes, you love them but you have got to have some limits. Going overboard with anything is going to be harmful in the future.
4. Never beg for anything from your partner. Your parents educated you and raised you to be a person with self-respect. Don’t give up that for anyone.
5. If you sense foul play, then don’t ignore that gut feeling. Stay strong and accept things are wrong. You will do yourself a huge favor.

Bhavna Narula, 2021.

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Previously Published on medium

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